I used to think that I had a big heart… I thought I loved lots.
It’s only been recently that I have discovered how small my heart is… it’s just not big enough.
I have a small heart.
I’ve been thinking about how much I love my family… my closest friends… I honestly want them to do the best, I want them to strive for bigger things and not just survive, I want their relationships to be great, I want them to know how AWESOME they are, I want them to reach the potential that I know they were destined for… I want the VERY VERY best for them.
But I’ve only now realised it’s a hard emotional journey… because when they hurt, you hurt… when they are going through tough times, so do you… you ride the emotional roller coaster… you want to go through the pain with them… but you can’t… you have to sit on the sideline and watch them go through the trials that you pray will help them become better people
And what I have discovered my heart just isn’t big enough to contain the love I have for my closest friends and of course my family and it frustrates me. I can write songs, I can write blogs and I can express the feeling I have for those closest to me… however I just don’t have enough room in my heart to contain it all…
I recently tried to express it in a song and the phrase “How do you stop a tidal wave, crashing through your heart?” came out- and it’s something I’m really struggling with… how do you do it?
I can’t hold my emotions in… I can’t hold my feelings in… and it means that those closest to me are ALWAYS on my mind.
I loose sleep thinking about them… I loose sleep thinking and strategising how best to help them… I can’t help it…
We’re called to love how God loves he said he will give us a new heart… in fact in Ezekiel 36:26 it says:
“And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart”
What the verse doesn’t say is how much it hurts… how hard it is to journey with people.
I guess that’s why there aren’t many people who are doing it… there are people who are in for the ‘quick fling’… the kind of people who help out while there is something in it for them, however when there is something better that comes along or things get hard (or weird) they will leave their ‘friends’ in pain and in need of someone close.
I’m in this for the long haul… no matter how much it hurts.
I want to see those closest to me not to just do well… I want to be there to help them EXCEL.
I’ve said this in other blogs… God doesn’t make junk… and so when he made you – he made you with a specific plan in mind (Ephesians 2:10) and I wish I could journey with you ALL to help discover that… but my heart isn’t big enough.
My heart is hardly big enough to contain the few I do hold close to me.
So tell me…
How do you stop a tidal wave from bursting through your heart?