I just read a carefully worded article by a clinical psychologist Meg Jay who did research on people who lived with each other before they got married… and it had some really interesting results… results that the church has been trying to tell people for years.
Now I have to point out that Meg isn’t a Christian… so don’t think it’s a Christians psychologist pushing Christian values…
Anyway Meg points out that many people who ‘try’ living together before they get married have a lower chance of staying together than those who don’t… I’ll quote from the article
“One thing men and women do agree on, however, is that their standards for a live-in partner are lower than they are for a spouse.”
So they’re not going in looking for a long term thing… they going in with the intention to try, and not at the intention of living together forever and ever… so they try and if it works out then they will go further and maybe get married but if it doesn’t work out it’s back to the auditioning phase…
They’re not exactly ‘settling’ for something less than they deserve… however it’s pretty close to it… They would never admit they’re settling, so they use phrases like “We’ve been through a lot” or “they’re a really good friend”…
However those who go in and sift out all the rubbish first… fight through the guys who aren’t interested in treating them like royalty… and are picky with the people they date have more of a chance at staying together because they’re not auditioning for ever and ever… they’re constantly working towards forever and ever.
Another quote from the article was this from a woman in her mid-twenty’s “I felt like I was on this multi-year, never-ending audition to be his wife,”
So why is this?
Surely trying before you buy is a good thing?
Well it’s not… and the reason it isn’t is because sex was meant to be a sign of what you are doing with your whole life… giving of yourself fully to someone… anything outside that is just consumerism, it’s “It feels good to me when I’m with him…” but sex is meant to be about a giving of yourself... it’s about vulnerability and it’s a sign that you’re giving yourself fully in ALL areas of your life.
Author and Theologian C.S. Lewis put’s it like this:
“The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union the sexual from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union.”
So what Mr Lewis is saying is it’s ALL or nothing.
It’s a really interesting article… CLICK HERE and have a read and see what you think!
Did you know that you’re cheating on someone you love RIGHT NOW???
Now I’m not talking necessarily about you cheating on your wife with another woman… a game of cards… or tax.
I read a phrase by Andy Stanley that through this out of the park for me… What if we use ‘cheating’ in the broader sense?
“Try thinking of it as simply choosing to give up one thing in hope of gaining something else of greater value”
You see when you read that you can’t help but think that you’re a cheater can you?
The reality is that our lives are so filled with ‘stuff” from work commitments to hobbies, and each is competing for our time…. so what we do to get around this is ‘cheat’ and that may mean purely allocating time the best that we can, but we know that someone that we love is going to feel ‘cheated’ don’t we???
I recently went through a tough patch with my beautiful wife Emma… it wasn’t because of anything that either of us had done… it was because time was being allocated in the wrong places.
We had just come through a really busy time of conferences and other commitments that both Emma and I had agreed to… however due to us having to take on extra loads that we hadn’t accounted for we ended up passing like ships in the night. I would come home from work… hand the keys to Emma kiss her and she would head off to another meeting… and the same was true of the weekends, one of us always seemed to be busy, and we were cheating each other of ‘couple time’.
This went on for 4 months… and the tension started to build, in reality I was spending more time with the people at my work and creating bonds with these people, and wasn’t able to invest the same amount of time in my own wife’s life… it was a steep learning curve.
We both knew it was a problem but it was like watching a crash in slow motion… and because both Emma and I are communicators and weren’t able to communicate, things started to happen and intimacy evaporated… *poof*
There was business… there was illness… there was commitments… etc… all of which were taking our time away from each other, and due to the amount of time we were spending apart we were investing that same time in the things we were involved in… we were cheating on each other… with our work and our friends… it was time and intimacy we were robbing each other of.
“Someone is going to get cheated. Worse yet, someone is going to feel cheated. You’re not giving him/her what is deserved or needed.”
The issue is never “Am I cheating?”
The issue is “Where am I cheating?”
I heard this Spoken Word piece by Janette Ikz about a year ago I think and since then I would have watched it at least 20 times without an exaggeration it’s amazing.
It’s clever lyrically, it’s heart felt and it is filled with truth…
Janette starts of the poem with these words and it sets up the rest of the piece perfectly:
“So it seemed, that it was cool, for everyone to be in a relationship but me..
So I took matters into my own hands… and ended up with him”
Take the 7 and 1/2 minutes to listen to this… especially if you are looking for relationship.
The wisest person who ever lived (King Solomon) once said
“ Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Proverbs 4:23
I always thought that it meant what was going in… so in other words, if someone says stuff that hurts you don’t take it to heart… be careful what you read because it could corrupt your heart…
You know that sort of thing.
But then it dawned on me… what if it ALSO meant guard what is coming OUT of your heart.
Sometimes it seems to be easier to guard your heart from what goes in…
But sometimes people rub your up the wrong way… or frustrate you… or you’re tired… and BAM something is unleashed, you tell them what you REALLY think.
So what just happened there????
Something in your heart… popped out your mouth!
Luke puts it like this:
“What you say flows from what is in your heart” Luke 6:45
You may have had things lurking deep down inside your heart for ages… and it only surfaces now, when you least expect it…
When your guard is down…
Guard your heart… with what goes IN and OUT.
So what do you do when you feel these feelings?
Well first of all name it… what is it?
What is it that got under your skin?
Once you’ve named it, then when it is appropriate bring it to the light… tell someone you trust about it. You see when you keep things to yourself then you’re keeping it in the dark, and if it’s in the dark… it’s been given power.
Once it’s in the light and you’re dealing with it… it starts to loose it’s power… it might not happen straight away, but it will slowly start to happen.
Guard your heart…
- Everything is meaningless (screaminggoose.wordpress.com)
It never ceases to amaze me how great technology has come… And i wonder how far it will go, it would seem that the possibilities are endless.
Currently I’m away from my computer typing this blog… From my phone… My Phone!
15 years ago phones could only just start to text and the phones were large… But these days there isn’t much you can’t do from your phone… Photos, videos, searching the web… Downloading music.
So here’s to technology… Keep us close together…
But I wonder however if to much technology will be at the expense of relationship?
- My first android post… (screaminggoose.wordpress.com)